An open letter to Ivanka Trump and female Trump supporters

Dear Ivanka Trump and female Trump supporters,

For the last few weeks I’ve been planning to write a post regarding Donald Trump’s treatment of women over this entire election.  Then I watched The Essential Donald Trump on CNN where you, Ivanka Trump,  were interviewed for the show.  You were asked if your father was a sexist. You responded,  your father is not a sexist and you would not be the woman you are today if your father was a sexist.  After hearing that statement, I realized my post needed to be directed towards you and the women who support your father.

First, to Ivanka Trump.  I don’t need to go into all the things your father has said about women over this campaign.  We all know what he’s said.  You said in the interview, that his words don’t matter; what matters are his actions.  I would argue that you are incorrect.  Do you know how many serial killers, rapists and pedophiles have wives and children they go home to every night? Do you know how many of them go to church on Sunday, go to work everyday, behave in a manner where no one notices them and are revered by their friends and family? What I’m saying is actions don’t mean shit.  People can and do hide their true selves from their family, their friends and the public.  The fact that your father put women in positions of power doesn’t mean he’s not a sexist.  I believe the women your father put in positions of power is a diversion.  It allows your father to seem as if he trusts and respects women because they hold important roles in his company.  And that would be true, if he wasn’t confrontational with every woman who questions him, apologized for the atrocious language and behavior he has exhibited and did not engage in unsolicited physical contact.   You may not be a part of the diversion, but you’re his daughter and I believe he loves you.  Of course he doesn’t treat you as he treats other women (at least I hope he doesn’t), so you would have no concept of how your father really feels about women.  Furthermore, his words do matter.  We are living in a world where men believe it is the woman’s responsibility to prevent their own sexual assault and/or rape.  Your dismissiveness of your father’s words, allows men to believe your father didn’t do anything wrong by kissing women without their permission, walking in on women while they are getting dressed and that his description of how he interacts with women when he meets them is normal.  You have to understand that every time you treat your father’s words and behavior as insignificant, you are validating and encouraging a very dangerous thought process regarding women.  You are not responsible for someone’s thoughts or actions, but I believe you have a responsibility to speak the truth and not contribute to the already volatile atmosphere we live in as women. 

I understand completely why you are supporting your father and unlike most people, I am not expecting you to go against him publicly.  Now, whether you support him because you don’t want to lose your position or because of blind loyalty, I don’t know.  What I do know, as a woman, I hope you are at least distressed about what you are doing and I hope you are telling your father in private how fucked up his behavior has been.  If you are not doing that Ivanka Trump, you should be ashamed of yourself.

To the female Trump supporters.  I have watched for almost a year and a half as you have supported a man who has been showing you for a year and a half that he has no respect or regard for women.  Any man, who 90% of the time he comes into contact with a woman, has conflict, has a problem with women.  This particular man has been exhibiting this behavior and mindset for years.   You were confronted with video and audio proof that he regards women as objects.  Your response to this is that men were just being men.  Do you even realize that you are perpetuating a culture that allows men to believe women who have been inappropriately touched, sexually assaulted or verbally abused, shouldn’t take it so seriously? Do you understand you are teaching the young men in your lives this kind of behavior is ok?  I’ve listened to you in interviews and on the campaign trail and I know you want to believe you’re not the same as the women who refuse to support Donald Trump.  To Donald Trump you are the same.  The fact that you support him does not mean he sees you as a person.  To him, because you are a woman, you are us and we are you.   The fact that you don’t recognize that is an awful feeling.  For weeks, I have been distraught because I am a staunch feminist.  I don’t care what color you are, where you come from, how much money you make or your beliefs; if you are a woman, I want to speak for your rights.  Even now, I have to fight for your fucking rights even though you are not fighting for yourself and are willing to put my freedoms in jeopardy.  As a woman, I am disappointed, heartbroken and ashamed of each and every one of you.  This election and your behavior has men asking how women expect to be respected and treated equally when they are willing to support a man who thinks they’re a pussy and tits.  The only thing I can hope for at this point, is you teach your daughters to have more respect for themselves than their mothers have displayed.  Your daughters cannot think Donald Trump’s behavior is how a man should behave.  It will lead to abusive relationships and years of self loathing.

Ivanka Trump and the female Trump supporters, I want you to understand that regardless of everything I have written above, I understand why you’re voting for Trump.  You can’t tell me it’s because of his plans, because he doesn’t have any.  You can’t tell me it’s because he knows so much about foreign affairs, economics, immigration, education or healthcare, because he knows nothing.  You can’t tell me it’s because he’s so charismatic and smooth, because he never answers a question and loses his cool all the time.  And you can’t tell me it’s because he’s a good business man, because he’s filed bankruptcy 13 times.  The only reason you would support Trump is because you hate yourself as a woman, you’re a racist, you hate Hillary, Barack and the Democrats so much that you are willing to put a narcissistic, sociopathic, misogynistic, xenophobic, racist in office.  Or it’s some combination of the three.  Along with all my feelings of anger and hurt, I feel sorry for you.  I feel sorry that you don’t know who you are, who you could be and understand your place in this world; I’m sorry that you don’t understand you’re a part of the feminist movement because you’re a woman; I’m sorry that we still can’t stand together against men like Donald Trump because of women like you.  I know none of this will change your minds, but I’m angry and I want you to know how I feel.  I don’t have the answers to everything, but I know supporting a man like Donald Trump will only lead to the downfall of all women, including you.

Sincerely,

Cynthia Pulley

 

 

 

The Subtleties

This post was written by Cynt and Amanda Wall

 

When you’re a woman in the workplace, in a position of power, you always question what actions and words, from men, mean.  When the actions and words are obvious, you understand what someone wants and expects of you. When a woman asserts her authority and is called a bitch, we understand the thought process behind that word.  When a woman is sexually harassed, we know what the man wants and thinks about that woman.  But what about when the actions or words are subtle? When a woman is not allowed to make a decision, is that because the woman is a woman or because the man is a micro manager? What if a woman is told that her success will be encouraged but when she dissents from the status quo, her success is ignored? Is that because they are a woman or because the man has an ego problem? What if subtleties are happening to other women in the same workplace? Is it because they are women or because they are all having the same Goddamn nightmare?

A couple of weeks ago I tried to explain to a friend how a woman gets conditioned to ignore the subtleties.  I gave him the example of a  girl at the age of 14 or 15 who is talking to her father about one of his friends:

Girl: Jack looks at me funny.

Father: What do you mean ‘looks at you funny’?

Girl: I don’t know, he just looks at me funny.  I feel weird when he looks at me.

Father: No, Jack loves you.  He’s known you since you were a baby.

At that moment, the girl dismisses her discomfort because she doesn’t understand her instincts and she trusts her father.  Maybe she convinces herself she’s making a big deal out of nothing. This is not the fault of her father.  Why would he think his friend Jack was thinking of his daughter in any way but love?  But like I explained to the friend I was talking to, it sets up the beginnings of a woman not trusting her instincts, not believing things are inappropriate and believing when they tell her she is imagining things.  But she is not.  Those subtleties are real.  And I am sure many women, if they sat down and wrote out all the subtleties they’ve experienced or seen, would say, “holy shit!”.

We do not need to start a revolution in the workplace against men.  But we do need to be aware of the subtleties.  Women have to stop believing that the subtleties are not real.  We can’t keep allowing people to make us feel like we’re exaggerating; even other women.  That is a trigger word used to imply that a person didn’t just witness what they think they witnessed.  Other trigger words or phrases: ‘misunderstood’, ‘taking things too personally’, and ‘in your mind’.  When someone is disrespecting you by not including you in decisions that affect you, or if they treat you differently than they treat male counterparts, it is not you – it is them.

When I discussed the subtleties I experienced with the person involved, it was suggested that there was a need for a change and the change was mine to make. I’m not changing! I like who I am and who I’ve become in my career. I am a strong woman who knows her job, I will say if you’re wrong, and I admit my own faults. I will not be docile and I will not be accommodating; I will not conform to make others comfortable. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of, and I know how good I am.  I will not allow anyone to make me question myself, my abilities, or my knowledge.  The best option for all women in this position is to be as respectful as possible, but not to allow ‘them’ to sweep those subtleties under the rug.  They are real and no woman should permit subtleties to become the norm of their career life.

How to think about cheating

If one of my girlfriends came to me and told me her significant other was cheating on her, I would not tell her to leave her partner.  However, as a general rule that is exactly what I think should happen.  Over the last 10 or 15 years, I think it has become more acceptable for people to allow cheating as normal behavior in a relationship; especially women.  I think women in this country have been socialized to believe it is more important to maintain the relationship at the expense of their dignity and their requirements.  Women see cheating as an element of a modern relationship.

An exit should be the rule because trust can NEVER be gained again.  When infidelity occurs, trust is broken.  When you break trust you cannot learn to trust again.  Now, I do believe women can choose to ignore their feelings and decide they are going to live with the fact that the person cheated.  But who wants to live like this? Always on edge, always wondering.  Trust is not a learned behavior.  It is earned.  This concept of learning to trust again comes from therapy.  Lots of couples attend therapy as a way to salvage their relationships.  The design of therapy is to accept the behavior happened, figure out how both parties are at fault and then find a way to trust again.  It’s all bullshit.  The fault with the design is that no one should accept bad behavior, there is only one person at fault and the trust is gone.  Even if a woman finds a way to go on in the relationship, the trust they had before the cheating is dead.

Here is how I want women to begin to think about cheating: Your significant other put their penis, mouth, tongue in another persons vagina, butt, mouth,  as a choice.   They said the same words and performed the same acts, sexually,  they did to you.  Or, maybe they did something different to this new person, which might make it worse.  Their clothes did not fall off by accident and they did not just let it go too far.  They chose to have sex with another person, on purpose, instead of dealing with what ever they felt were the issues in their relationship.  I also want women to begin to put the blame for the mini destruction of their lives where it belongs.  I want them to start blaming their partners, not the other person.  I believe this notion is one of the reasons it is so easy for women to stay with someone who betrays them.  When the  other person is to blame, their partner is seen as a victim and pseudo forgiveness can occur.  When women think about cheating for what it is, they will be a lot less likely to stay in this kind of relationship.

I understand there are many reasons women choose to stay after cheating happens.  There are the children, fear of being alone, the need to win, money, career and even love.  These are not reasons; they are excuses.   These excuses make it easier for women to lie to themselves about their partner and give them a reason to continue in the relationship.  Along with all the above concepts, I want women to stop using their children, fear and their need to win as excuses to let people treat them like they do not matter.  I am sad to say, that I see these women everywhere; my neighborhood and television.  I do not want these women to be the role models for our daughters.  No woman with self esteem chooses to stay with someone who in effect has told them that they are not good enough.    But this is not how these women are portrayed.  They are seen as strong for enduring this tragedy.  Young women see this.  We need to start teaching young women that they should not accept this kind of behavior from anyone.  They need to know that choosing to stay is not strength, it is weakness.  We have a chance to change the mind set with our young girls and women.  I do not want young women to continue this view of cheating as a normal element of a relationship.

Eye of the Writer

Road To The Mastery Of The Craft.

Tropical Affair

Observations of the illusion through the eyes of wonder...

LITTLE SIBERIA

A Writing & Creative Lifestyle Blog

Sableyes

Sabbles woz 'ere

ankitab

Space to share your thoughts with 'The Reader's View'

Damsels in Defiance

Compassion | Resistance | Change

The Dreaming Yogi

Using dream interpretation and other techniques to manage stress and live a more mindful life.

It's All From Hell

"Love is a dog from Hell", but so are so many other feelings that can tear you apart from the inside-out.

Wonderful Cinema

Short reviews on high quality films. No spoilers.

MakeItUltra™

Psychology to Motivate | Inspire | Uplift

Mugilan Raju

Prime my subconscious, one hint at a time

Elan Mudrow

The Ridges of Intertextuallity

518-songofmypeople

A town everyone hates, yet no one leaves...

Lara Willard

Write, Edit, Repeat

%d bloggers like this: