Women, Kinks and Consent

Many people believe men are the only gender who should be into sexual kinks. This belief system is rooted in misogynistic ideologies about women and sex. I am guilty of thinking this way. But kinks are a brain thing (where all sex starts) and gender plays no part in who loves a kink. The problem is women’s gender prevents society from seeing them as free sexual beings. Sex is constricted for them, along with their needs and desires. Anything outside of the box society has created for them means judgment, titles, and hiding parts of themselves.

There is a lot more acceptance now of sexual kinks no one would even talk about thirty, forty, or fifty years ago. But in that time, acceptance has come more for men than for women. For instance, women in FMF poly relationships are weak, women who love being submissive are being controlled and women who are dommes want to hurt men. No one thinks negatively about these roles when you flip them for men (except for the submissive, sometimes). Men are allowed to talk about their kinks and explore their kinks. And most men are not judged for what they are into.

I believe this judgment of what women find pleasurable comes from two things. The first is the lessons taught to us about sex and women for centuries. Society and religion have ingrained in many of us that women are supposed to be pure, sex is not for women, and any woman who likes anything beyond missionary and having sex for babies is a fucking whore. These ideas may seem antiquated, but there are thousands of people who still believe these to be true. If someone believes in these ideas, they could never be open to the idea that a woman would like to be choked while she orgasms.

The second is sexual trauma. Some people who have experienced sexual trauma will always see certain kinks as violent and/or harmful instead of pleasurable for women. To them, a woman who wants her face pushed into the bed and pounded from behind like their partner is breaking new ground, is being abused. They don’t seem to understand that everyone is not the same. In the same way, we don’t all dress the same, like the same foods, or like the same music, we do not all like the same things sexually.

This judgment of female pleasure, leads a lot of women to stay quiet about their kinks, especially if the kinks are not “mainstream”. A woman who is into humiliation or a woman who is into pain is less likely to tell anyone about her desires. Not only do they have to deal with people who will give them the “you are being abused” speech, they also have to deal with people who think something tragic must have happened to them if they want to feel pain during sex. People who think like this allow their upbringing or trauma to cloud their understanding that some people like pain with their pleasure. People who think like this also do not understand the concept of consent.

I didn’t realize how many people don’t understand consent until I started reading BDSM stories. There were so many people who would read a kinky story and get freaked out about how the woman was being treated. I didn’t understand what the issue was at first, until I realized they didn’t understand consent. Consent is not just asking someone if you can kiss them. Consent is, can I touch you this way? What kind of sex do you like? How far can we go? What are your limits? Consent is not something you ask once. It is something that is discussed and revisited as necessary. And consent in kink is almost always mandatory.

I came to realize the people getting upset do not understand that in most kink-related encounters, a woman grants consent before the encounter occurs. They are seeing the aftermath of that consent. I also know some of this stems from our conditioning that consent is implied. Most of us never learned how to ask or how to give consent because society teaches us body language implies consent. Include the belief that there is only one way to have sex and all of this becomes abnormal behavior. But, when you add the true concept of consent to your consciousness, you are less likely to assume a woman who wants her ass spanked until it turns colors is being abused, a freak or that she didn’t ask for it.

I see more women willing to discuss and explore their kinkier sides. But I wish there were more. We need to talk about our kinks. When we talk about them, we begin the process of removing the mystery and allowing acceptance of what women find pleasurable. Women should not have to hide what they want or feel. And I’m not saying women should tell the entire world what they like. I just mean they should be free to talk to their friends about what they like without feeling judged. The only time anyone should intervene in someone else’s kink is if the person is a child or the person did not consent to the kink. Consent is the key and unless someone knows there was no consent, there should be no judgment. Whatever freaky, kinky, dirty, nasty stuff women want to do, they should do, if they consented.

The Power in Anger

(Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

This post is not for the sensitive. There is mention of abuse, rape, and sexual assault in this piece. And there’s lots of cursing. All the above and my conclusions will offend some people. If you’re easily offended, DO NOT read this post. I will not apologize for one fucking word.

Anger is not a horrible emotion. Anger becomes a horrible emotion when people allow their anger to dictate their behavior. We are allowed to get angry about things we see in the world. Whether they happen to other people or to ourselves. Although anger fuels revolutions and change, anger is not an emotion allowed by everyone.

We do not teach women to display and use anger to express themselves. We teach women to hold their anger in or just accept things happening to them. Women need this emotion to keep themselves safe and to fight for their lives. Many women have suffered at the at the hands of others because we did not teach them to get angry.

The lessons we teach women about anger are ridicule, shame, labeling, or left in the dark. All women receive this treatment no matter their race, economic background, education or their country of origin. Dampening this emotion is a way to control women. Every group of women in the world has felt this control.

Let me be clear for all the motha fuckas in the back. The angry Black woman stereotype is complete and utter bullshit created by white people to shut Black women down. And it worked. Some of us do not speak because we don’t want to be labeled. I say no more. Fuck them. They can label us all they want to, as long as they give us what the fuck we need. We should not have to pretend we are happy about situations or allow someone to harm us because of who “they” think we should be.

We do not raise white women to fight. Not necessarily, physically fight. I mean to fight for themselves. I have seen too many white women take harassment, abuse, and plain old disrespect because they don’t know they can fight. I am not talking about reporting abuse or rape; I am talking about speaking words from their mouth to those who engage in harmful behavior. Some situations are not always safe to do this, but I want all women to understand they have the right to say no, they have the right to fight back, and they have the right to stand up.

They label Latin women as violent, which is an extension of anger. I have noticed quite a few Latina who quell their anger to avoid being labeled and to conform to what society wants them to be. Everyone acts like the anger is just a manifestation of their personality and not from something being done to them. They are not sociopaths for Christ’s sake. They just don’t want you fucking with them, and they have every right to feel that way.

Asian women-supposed to be docile and must be crazy if they are getting angry. I have actually heard people say, “I thought they were supposed to be quiet and docile. Why is she yelling? She must be too Americanized.” Really? So, they only have feelings when they cross the border into America? They aren’t born with them like everyone else? OK. To believe a human being doesn’t get angry sometimes can only come from trying to control a group of people.

Do you see the pattern? There are a lot of groups of women I did not mention, but the concept is the same for all of them. We are being taught, raised and convinced we are not supposed to be angry or fight. It is one reason I hate the whole ‘be happy you survived’ for women who are victims of assault, rape and abuse. Assault, rape and abuse changes who women are, period. I am positive therapy helps, but they never get rid of the feeling. It’s why other’s stories, pictures, sounds and smells still trigger many. No matter how much they normalize their life, that trauma is still in there. I don’t want women to think they have to take it. I want them to think I have to fight for it. I want their survival to come from the fight.

Women need to be raised to get angry. I am not saying that fighting will make every situation better. In fact, it might make it worse in some instances. The mark of prey hangs over every woman from the day she is born. Some will say that is a cynical view of the world. No, it’s realistic. Many of us, from the day we are born, are never safe from abuse and assault on our person. Some of us don’t feel it until puberty and the rest of us realize it when we are young women. That is the life of all women, even the women who pretend we are making this shit up. That mark is there and we should know how to fight against it.

Unfortunately, women contribute to this concept by telling girls to be lady like or to let it go; they believe women have no power. I am telling you, anger is that power. Anger allows women to tell them to suck a dick when they say awful things, it allows women to care more about themselves than other’s feelings or a job; it gives women the power, when someone steps to them, to want to fight for themselves.

I want women to use anger. I want them to get mad and stop taking bullshit from men (or women). I want them to get angry when someone says derogatory things or puts their hands on them. I want women to start dropping those family members who show no love, but are always looking for something. I want women to realize they are allowed to get angry; they are supposed to fight. We need to stop letting this male dominated society make us believe have no power. I want women to use anger to fuel who they know they should be.

Don’t let anger consume you. Own that shit, ladies. We are smart. We know how to display this emotion and to make ourselves heard. We know how to be angry, say what we have to say calmly and still scare the shit out of people. Use that goddamn emotion, ladies. Stop letting society dictate how you react to anything happening to you. If they want to label us as angry and crazy, have at it. I say we no longer allow the treatment of our minds and bodies to be determined by anyone other than ourselves.

Where Our Lessons Lead

I believe there are lessons we should teach young girls to prepare them for the world. Instead, we teach girls lessons that hinder who they can become. The lessons are not always intentional and not all girls learn all these lessons, but the harm they cause can have lasting effects. Most of the lessons, lead women to make choices in their lives they might not make without them.

At an early age, we teach girls not to love themselves. Body shaming is the jumping off point for this lesson. We make girls ashamed of their bodies whether we tell them they are too fat, too skinny or that they are the reason boys can not control themselves; we make their bodies either weapons or something to cover up and hide. This can lead young girls to seek validation from others, for something that is subjective.

Female intuition is real, and most of us know it begins when we are young. We are raised to ignore our feelings. When girls say a family friend gives her the creeps or she doesn’t want someone to hug her and the response is always, “That’s just Jack or a hug is no big deal,” she begins to believe her feelings are incorrect and that she can not trust herself. This can lead young girls and women to ignore danger signs or not recognize a person’s true nature.

From media to music to societal norms, we teach girls they need a man. Marriage and children is a topic of discussion early with girls. We teach them, without saying it, they need someone to take care of them, to make them complete and to make them safe; that it is not ok to be alone. This can lead young girls and women to feel inadequate, to accept anyone to fulfill the fantasy, usually leads to being with the wrong person, and can lead to confusion about their sexuality.

We don’t teach girls the value of what they can accomplish with education and encourage girls to pursue education. There are even instances where girls hide their intelligence. We don’t teach girls how education could mean their independence and more choices. This can lead to young girls and women hiding behind their bodies and/or choosing a life they think is their only choice.

We do not teach girls sex is for them, their bodies are not shameful, and to value their own sexual needs. We make girls ignorant and ashamed of sex. Most girls never learn to love their dirty little minds and their kinks; to foster their own sexuality. This can lead girls oblivious to their own bodies, suppression of their sexuality and the allowance of others to make their sexual choices for them.

We don’t teach girls how to fight. Not physically or nonphysically. We teach them everything is more important than their needs and their safety. We teach them fear only leads to anxiety, when in actuality a little fear allows one to protect themself. We have taken away their instincts and leave them with no way to defend themselves. This can lead young girls and women to abusive relationships, harassment, and unconscious that they can demand better.

Although all young girls have not experienced all these lessons, we need to acknowledge what we have taught or neglected to teach girls could be harmful to a woman’s development. We are raising girls who become dependent on men, society’s notions, and on an unattainable dream. Some women go into their thirties with thoughts they should have removed in their twenties, but we don’t give them the knowledge or skills to do so. We have raised women who do not put themselves first. Their education does not come first, their bodies do not come first, their desires do not come first. And when women put their needs first, we classify them as selfish.

There is no way, no matter what we do, we can protect young girls from everything, but when we don’t at least give them the information and tools they need, we are damaging their evolution. No young girl needs to be terrified of the world, but she should know who she is, what she wants and what she needs, so she can handle the things she cannot avoid.

Women Are Not Cumming!

I did not realize the number of heterosexual women who are not cumming in this country. Last year, two things happened that brought this bullshit to my attention.

First, I saw a video on Facebook from Babe.net. A woman asked some men about the last time they had sex. To be fair, the sample size was small, I believe all the men were under 40 and all were white, but the answers were enlightening. All the men remembered their last sexual encounter, all the men but one did not know if the women had an orgasm, and one or two of the men did not give a shit.

Second, there was a conversation on FemEthics (I think) amongst some women about not having orgasms. Again, a small number, but still more women than I thought there were. I knew some women did not have orgasms, but I did not think this was normalized or accepted. I really did think it was a small number of women who were sexually repressed and not women in relationships with men who just were not making them cum.

Since sex has been in existence, men have been the only persons who were supposed to have, want, and need orgasms. Women were not supposed to talk about orgasms, have orgasms, want orgasms, or need orgasms. Then in the ’60s and the ’70s women started to come into a sexual revolution. They discovered their bodies and were no longer ashamed to want to cum. I am sure everyone did not participate in this revolution, but there was a large number of women who did not have to hide anymore.

So, today, women are still not having orgasms? What the fuck!!!!

There are all these studies and articles out there about this travesty called the orgasm gap. Essentially, there is a gap in the number of men who are having orgasms during sex and the number of women who are having orgasms during sex. They gave it a name ladies! I will give you three guesses how many men in these studies said they did not have an orgasm during sex. And the first two guesses do not count.

In these same articles and studies, are some explanations and/or theories for the orgasm gap. 1. Men do not understand women’s bodies, 2. Women are afraid to ask for what they want, 3. Women take too long to orgasm, and 4. Women do not know how or do not know what will bring them to orgasm.

Ladies, it is 2020. If you are going to have sex and want to enjoy it, you need to know what you like. This may be uncomfortable for some of you and I do understand that. We have been living in a male-dominated society for centuries, with men telling us sex is not for us, we are not supposed to like it or we have been conditioned to believe sex with no orgasms is how it is supposed to be. So, I can understand it is very hard to overcome the suppression of our sexual needs, but they are yours for the taking. This absolutely goes to a deeper problem of masturbation, religion, and oppression, but simply you need to learn your bodies and be comfortable asking for what you want. I had an adult tell me when I was a teen, “If you can’t talk about sex, you shouldn’t be having it.”

The other two reasons are a little easier to deal with. To be denied an orgasm because a man does not know how, is not interested in learning, or just does not care, is insanity to me. I want to be very clear about this: if you cannot have a conversation with the man you are fucking about how to make you cum, stop fucking him. If his ego is going to be bruised because his dick can not make you cum, he is not worth your vagina. If the man whose cock you are probably sucking can not seem to do the same for you, just be friends. What I am saying ladies is, if a man is the problem, get rid of his ass immediately. No conversation, no therapy, just pack his shit.

I will never believe that any man would willingly stay with a woman who was not making him cum because she chooses not to. He would leave so fast, you would see smoke coming out of his ass. And almost every man knows what makes him cum. Please, ladies, learn your bodies, find out what you like, find out what turns you on, and masturbate to determine what you need. If your partner is not interested in going on this journey with you, kick that mothafucka out of your bed!

Voting For Our Fate

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I am still angry about the betrayal some women committed against the rest of us four years ago. I heard and read their words back then. These women let their racism, privilege and/or hatred of themselves elect a President. They knew he hated women, but still, they rationalized and dismissed his behavior. These women helped to divide us and push back our progression. I feel shame and outrage towards these women for allowing men to continue to control our narrative.

          Some women realized the President was not the savior they thought and discovered they voted against their own self-interest. For me, there are still too many women who refuse to accept the President and his party are the horror show the rest of us know them to be. They still live in these bubbles. Men do not regard them as superior to other women because of their privilege, race or status. But these women believe they are superior because of their privilege, race or status. They have convinced themselves they are not a part of us. I have always believed the hierarchy by the people who run this country is white men, black men, white women, black women, and everybody else. If anyone believes, this is an exaggeration: we elected a black man! Twice! Then we tried to get a white woman! elected. And we could not fucking do it. I could convince no one misogyny was bigger than racism before this. Unfortunately, the women who voted for the President believe they are in their own genus.

          Women are socialized to become adversaries. That socialization is used against us as it was four years ago. We cannot allow it to happen again. You need not argue with anyone; you need not discuss your plans, you just need to vote. We need to undo what our sisters did to us and themselves. People keep telling me I am being melodramatic. These are the same people who did not believe me when I told them that moron would get elected. Women will never have a politician who will agree with everything, but they at the very least need a politician who sees them as a person and not just a pussy. Vote ladies. I do not give a shit who the Democratic nominee is, we cannot take another four years of the current administration. Do not let those women who betrayed us decide our fate again.

The Breastfeeding Dilemma

Baby and mom

     Boobs were not created for men.  They were not even created for women.  They were created to feed babies.  Even though mothers who breastfeed in public are using their boobs for their intended purpose, there are people who have a problem with this. All women should take issue with these people.

      The men and women who are disgusted by the sight of a mother feeding her baby in public are uncomfortable because breasts, to them, are for sexual gratification or to entice; their secondary purpose. This belief system derives from a section of our society using religion and morality to continue the premise that the female entity has the ability to seduce a man to lose his senses. So, when a female breast is spotted outside of the bedroom, no matter its function, they think of sex.  It is like the baby attached is invisible.

      A total stranger’s distorted feelings about the female breast cannot be a factor in how a woman chooses to feed her baby. If she wants to breastfeed from her breast, she should be allowed to do so without feeling she is committing some distasteful act. If people do not want to see a mother breastfeed her baby in public they should either stop staring at her tits or stay home! No mother should ever have to cover her self up, be embarrassed or feel shame because she is feeding her baby. And, to the people who will make the argument that a mother can bottle feed? On behalf of all women: Do you know how hard it is to pump and how long you have to pump, to get a bottle of breast milk?! Fuck you! If a baby is feeding, look away.

    We as a society should look at a mother breastfeeding her baby and behold the miracle in it. As adults, we should be able to recognize the difference between feeding a baby and a breast that is intended for sexual purposes.  If you are an adult and you are not able to make this distinction, you need to do some soul searching and figure out why boobies make your ass so uncomfortable.

A Daughter’s Virginity

daughters

I would like men to stop protecting the virginity of their daughters.  Your daughter’s virginity should not be your focus.  Your focus should be:

  • Making sure your daughter believes in her self-worth, and her value as a human being.
  • Ensuring your daughter knows how to recognize someone who respects her and loves her.
  • Making sure she understands she needs to have her own money.  
  • Helping her realize young boys may not be on the same page she is when it comes to relationships and sex.
  • Making sure she understands sex is not just a physical act, but an emotional one.
  • Instilling in your daughter the importance of education. 
  • Making sure your daughter knows her own body, so if she has sex with herself or with another person she gets what she needs.

Nothing is guaranteed.  You can do all of this and your daughter could still have sex at an early age.  What I know is guaranteed, when you make your daughter believe the most valuable thing about her is her vagina, she starts to lead with that.  Focus on the developmental needs of your daughter and hopefully, she will make the decision on her own to handle her virginity accordingly.  How about this: How about you men start protecting the virginity of your sons?

The Me Too Movement

Metoo 3

     There are people who think the Me Too movement is unnecessary or that the movement has made its point. They are tired of listening to stories about sexual harassment, rape and molestation. And I say to all of them, shut the fuck up!

     As a society, we created an environment that led to these sexual crimes becoming our normal. We ignored people who talked openly about their molestations or rapes.  We pretended not to notice the sexualization of children and females.  We called sexual crime victims in the workplace, in the military and on college campuses liars.  We took no notice of Tarana Burke when she tried to bring awareness to these issues with the #metoo on Twitter in 2006.  We paid attention when Alyssa Milano used the same hashtag in 2017, but when women did not stop talking about the sexual violence committed against them, people reverted to their standard, ‘this could not be happening to this many women’.  The stories these women are telling, are not new.  This issue is dark, offensive and uncomfortable to discuss, but we have been discussing it for years.  The change was, the exposure social media gave to these women.  The opponents of the Me Too movement could no longer pretend this was not real, so now they want everyone to shut the hell up.

     They want the Me Too movement to go away?

  • Stop sexualizing children, that is where all of this begins.
  • Stop shaming young girls about their bodies and making them think their bodies do not belong to them.
  • Stop protecting the men (and women) molesting our children which helps to foster this silence culture that continues to adulthood.
  • Stand up for 1000s of young women on college campuses who are being raped at an alarming rate.
  • Understand the amount of women speaking of their sexual harassment or rape, is small compared to the amount of women who do not speak.
  • Understand the number of females being molested, harassed, and raped is not an exaggeration.
  • Accept that there are a lot of men (not all) who participate in the molestation, harassment and rape of females.
  • Realize the few women who lie about sexual harassment or rape does not mean 1000s of women are lying.
  • Stop pretending you do not understand there are men who use their masculinity as a weapon
  • Stop pretending you do not understand we live in a society that encourages the molestation, harassment and rape of children and women.

     If you are not prepared to do any of the above, you can not criticize the Me Too movement; you are helping to create it.

 

The theory and practice of feminism

feminism

I still call myself a feminist even though feminism is something dirty and unnecessary to many people. The movement, its members, its mission and its definition have been stolen, seduced, twisted, and hijacked. Feminism is not complicated: give women the same opportunities, respect and value you give to men.  That’s it. It is not about hating men or making men subservient to women. It is also not about lesbians, world domination or choosing a woman’s life path for her. Men and women who want to maintain their misogynistic lifestyle, developed those concepts of feminism.

In theory, I am a feminist.  In practice, I am not so sure. Since the start of the feminist movement, the issues or concerns from women of color were not a part of the mission. Most do not believe this has improved as women of color are not the face portrayed of feminism. And it is not only women of color. Many marginalized women have this feeling of neglect from the movement. If all women are not a part of the objectives of feminism, are not the neglected women fighting someone else’s war?

We do not have the luxury anymore of privilege, ignorance, racism, ego or selfishness. Those in charge or the face of the feminist movement need to decide what is important. Although some of us hope a change is coming in the next two years, in case it doesn’t, we have to be prepared to practice our theory together.

What does a monster look like?

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     What does a monster look like? He is young. He is old. He is tall. He is short. He is famous. He is unknown. He is wealthy. He is middle class. He is poor. He has a wife. He has a girlfriend. He has children. He has a mother, father, brothers, and sisters. He has no family. He is good looking. He is plain looking. He worships a God. He doesn’t believe in a God. He is employed. He does not work. He is in authority. He rules over no one. He has friends. He is a loner. He is a college student. He is a high school student. He has a bachelors degree, a masters degree, a Ph.D. He left high school in the 10th grade. He is a man no one believes would do that. He is a man everyone knows does that. Sometimes he is a she.

     A monster looks like anyone; can be anyone. A monster is not just a person whose appearance scares you. It is also a person you believe in, have faith in and trust until their true face is revealed. Not every man is a monster and not every monster is a man. As a society, our judgment about what constitutes a monster needs to extend beyond class, race, income, gender, and appearance. R. Kelly. Harvey Weinstein. Bill Cosby. Roman Polanski. Trump. Chris Watts. Pete Trifunovski. Rashan Lamar Wilson. Fernando Guzman Perez. We need to understand what people are capable of doing to another human being. We need to accept, some people lack compassion or empathy and have no humanity. When someone comes forward to tell their story, we need to ask what does a monster look like?

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