The Power in Anger

(Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images)

This post is not for the sensitive. There is mention of abuse, rape, and sexual assault in this piece. And there’s lots of cursing. All the above and my conclusions will offend some people. If you’re easily offended, DO NOT read this post. I will not apologize for one fucking word.

Anger is not a horrible emotion. Anger becomes a horrible emotion when people allow their anger to dictate their behavior. We are allowed to get angry about things we see in the world. Whether they happen to other people or to ourselves. Although anger fuels revolutions and change, anger is not an emotion allowed by everyone.

We do not teach women to display and use anger to express themselves. We teach women to hold their anger in or just accept things happening to them. Women need this emotion to keep themselves safe and to fight for their lives. Many women have suffered at the at the hands of others because we did not teach them to get angry.

The lessons we teach women about anger are ridicule, shame, labeling, or left in the dark. All women receive this treatment no matter their race, economic background, education or their country of origin. Dampening this emotion is a way to control women. Every group of women in the world has felt this control.

Let me be clear for all the motha fuckas in the back. The angry Black woman stereotype is complete and utter bullshit created by white people to shut Black women down. And it worked. Some of us do not speak because we don’t want to be labeled. I say no more. Fuck them. They can label us all they want to, as long as they give us what the fuck we need. We should not have to pretend we are happy about situations or allow someone to harm us because of who “they” think we should be.

We do not raise white women to fight. Not necessarily, physically fight. I mean to fight for themselves. I have seen too many white women take harassment, abuse, and plain old disrespect because they don’t know they can fight. I am not talking about reporting abuse or rape; I am talking about speaking words from their mouth to those who engage in harmful behavior. Some situations are not always safe to do this, but I want all women to understand they have the right to say no, they have the right to fight back, and they have the right to stand up.

They label Latin women as violent, which is an extension of anger. I have noticed quite a few Latina who quell their anger to avoid being labeled and to conform to what society wants them to be. Everyone acts like the anger is just a manifestation of their personality and not from something being done to them. They are not sociopaths for Christ’s sake. They just don’t want you fucking with them, and they have every right to feel that way.

Asian women-supposed to be docile and must be crazy if they are getting angry. I have actually heard people say, “I thought they were supposed to be quiet and docile. Why is she yelling? She must be too Americanized.” Really? So, they only have feelings when they cross the border into America? They aren’t born with them like everyone else? OK. To believe a human being doesn’t get angry sometimes can only come from trying to control a group of people.

Do you see the pattern? There are a lot of groups of women I did not mention, but the concept is the same for all of them. We are being taught, raised and convinced we are not supposed to be angry or fight. It is one reason I hate the whole ‘be happy you survived’ for women who are victims of assault, rape and abuse. Assault, rape and abuse changes who women are, period. I am positive therapy helps, but they never get rid of the feeling. It’s why other’s stories, pictures, sounds and smells still trigger many. No matter how much they normalize their life, that trauma is still in there. I don’t want women to think they have to take it. I want them to think I have to fight for it. I want their survival to come from the fight.

Women need to be raised to get angry. I am not saying that fighting will make every situation better. In fact, it might make it worse in some instances. The mark of prey hangs over every woman from the day she is born. Some will say that is a cynical view of the world. No, it’s realistic. Many of us, from the day we are born, are never safe from abuse and assault on our person. Some of us don’t feel it until puberty and the rest of us realize it when we are young women. That is the life of all women, even the women who pretend we are making this shit up. That mark is there and we should know how to fight against it.

Unfortunately, women contribute to this concept by telling girls to be lady like or to let it go; they believe women have no power. I am telling you, anger is that power. Anger allows women to tell them to suck a dick when they say awful things, it allows women to care more about themselves than other’s feelings or a job; it gives women the power, when someone steps to them, to want to fight for themselves.

I want women to use anger. I want them to get mad and stop taking bullshit from men (or women). I want them to get angry when someone says derogatory things or puts their hands on them. I want women to start dropping those family members who show no love, but are always looking for something. I want women to realize they are allowed to get angry; they are supposed to fight. We need to stop letting this male dominated society make us believe have no power. I want women to use anger to fuel who they know they should be.

Don’t let anger consume you. Own that shit, ladies. We are smart. We know how to display this emotion and to make ourselves heard. We know how to be angry, say what we have to say calmly and still scare the shit out of people. Use that goddamn emotion, ladies. Stop letting society dictate how you react to anything happening to you. If they want to label us as angry and crazy, have at it. I say we no longer allow the treatment of our minds and bodies to be determined by anyone other than ourselves.

Where Our Lessons Lead

I believe there are lessons we should teach young girls to prepare them for the world. Instead, we teach girls lessons that hinder who they can become. The lessons are not always intentional and not all girls learn all these lessons, but the harm they cause can have lasting effects. Most of the lessons, lead women to make choices in their lives they might not make without them.

At an early age, we teach girls not to love themselves. Body shaming is the jumping off point for this lesson. We make girls ashamed of their bodies whether we tell them they are too fat, too skinny or that they are the reason boys can not control themselves; we make their bodies either weapons or something to cover up and hide. This can lead young girls to seek validation from others, for something that is subjective.

Female intuition is real, and most of us know it begins when we are young. We are raised to ignore our feelings. When girls say a family friend gives her the creeps or she doesn’t want someone to hug her and the response is always, “That’s just Jack or a hug is no big deal,” she begins to believe her feelings are incorrect and that she can not trust herself. This can lead young girls and women to ignore danger signs or not recognize a person’s true nature.

From media to music to societal norms, we teach girls they need a man. Marriage and children is a topic of discussion early with girls. We teach them, without saying it, they need someone to take care of them, to make them complete and to make them safe; that it is not ok to be alone. This can lead young girls and women to feel inadequate, to accept anyone to fulfill the fantasy, usually leads to being with the wrong person, and can lead to confusion about their sexuality.

We don’t teach girls the value of what they can accomplish with education and encourage girls to pursue education. There are even instances where girls hide their intelligence. We don’t teach girls how education could mean their independence and more choices. This can lead to young girls and women hiding behind their bodies and/or choosing a life they think is their only choice.

We do not teach girls sex is for them, their bodies are not shameful, and to value their own sexual needs. We make girls ignorant and ashamed of sex. Most girls never learn to love their dirty little minds and their kinks; to foster their own sexuality. This can lead girls oblivious to their own bodies, suppression of their sexuality and the allowance of others to make their sexual choices for them.

We don’t teach girls how to fight. Not physically or nonphysically. We teach them everything is more important than their needs and their safety. We teach them fear only leads to anxiety, when in actuality a little fear allows one to protect themself. We have taken away their instincts and leave them with no way to defend themselves. This can lead young girls and women to abusive relationships, harassment, and unconscious that they can demand better.

Although all young girls have not experienced all these lessons, we need to acknowledge what we have taught or neglected to teach girls could be harmful to a woman’s development. We are raising girls who become dependent on men, society’s notions, and on an unattainable dream. Some women go into their thirties with thoughts they should have removed in their twenties, but we don’t give them the knowledge or skills to do so. We have raised women who do not put themselves first. Their education does not come first, their bodies do not come first, their desires do not come first. And when women put their needs first, we classify them as selfish.

There is no way, no matter what we do, we can protect young girls from everything, but when we don’t at least give them the information and tools they need, we are damaging their evolution. No young girl needs to be terrified of the world, but she should know who she is, what she wants and what she needs, so she can handle the things she cannot avoid.

Women Are Not Cumming!

I did not realize the number of heterosexual women who are not cumming in this country. Last year, two things happened that brought this bullshit to my attention.

First, I saw a video on Facebook from Babe.net. A woman asked some men about the last time they had sex. To be fair, the sample size was small, I believe all the men were under 40 and all were white, but the answers were enlightening. All the men remembered their last sexual encounter, all the men but one did not know if the women had an orgasm, and one or two of the men did not give a shit.

Second, there was a conversation on FemEthics (I think) amongst some women about not having orgasms. Again, a small number, but still more women than I thought there were. I knew some women did not have orgasms, but I did not think this was normalized or accepted. I really did think it was a small number of women who were sexually repressed and not women in relationships with men who just were not making them cum.

Since sex has been in existence, men have been the only persons who were supposed to have, want, and need orgasms. Women were not supposed to talk about orgasms, have orgasms, want orgasms, or need orgasms. Then in the ’60s and the ’70s women started to come into a sexual revolution. They discovered their bodies and were no longer ashamed to want to cum. I am sure everyone did not participate in this revolution, but there was a large number of women who did not have to hide anymore.

So, today, women are still not having orgasms? What the fuck!!!!

There are all these studies and articles out there about this travesty called the orgasm gap. Essentially, there is a gap in the number of men who are having orgasms during sex and the number of women who are having orgasms during sex. They gave it a name ladies! I will give you three guesses how many men in these studies said they did not have an orgasm during sex. And the first two guesses do not count.

In these same articles and studies, are some explanations and/or theories for the orgasm gap. 1. Men do not understand women’s bodies, 2. Women are afraid to ask for what they want, 3. Women take too long to orgasm, and 4. Women do not know how or do not know what will bring them to orgasm.

Ladies, it is 2020. If you are going to have sex and want to enjoy it, you need to know what you like. This may be uncomfortable for some of you and I do understand that. We have been living in a male-dominated society for centuries, with men telling us sex is not for us, we are not supposed to like it or we have been conditioned to believe sex with no orgasms is how it is supposed to be. So, I can understand it is very hard to overcome the suppression of our sexual needs, but they are yours for the taking. This absolutely goes to a deeper problem of masturbation, religion, and oppression, but simply you need to learn your bodies and be comfortable asking for what you want. I had an adult tell me when I was a teen, “If you can’t talk about sex, you shouldn’t be having it.”

The other two reasons are a little easier to deal with. To be denied an orgasm because a man does not know how, is not interested in learning, or just does not care, is insanity to me. I want to be very clear about this: if you cannot have a conversation with the man you are fucking about how to make you cum, stop fucking him. If his ego is going to be bruised because his dick can not make you cum, he is not worth your vagina. If the man whose cock you are probably sucking can not seem to do the same for you, just be friends. What I am saying ladies is, if a man is the problem, get rid of his ass immediately. No conversation, no therapy, just pack his shit.

I will never believe that any man would willingly stay with a woman who was not making him cum because she chooses not to. He would leave so fast, you would see smoke coming out of his ass. And almost every man knows what makes him cum. Please, ladies, learn your bodies, find out what you like, find out what turns you on, and masturbate to determine what you need. If your partner is not interested in going on this journey with you, kick that mothafucka out of your bed!

Voting For Our Fate

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I am still angry about the betrayal some women committed against the rest of us four years ago. I heard and read their words back then. These women let their racism, privilege and/or hatred of themselves elect a President. They knew he hated women, but still, they rationalized and dismissed his behavior. These women helped to divide us and push back our progression. I feel shame and outrage towards these women for allowing men to continue to control our narrative.

          Some women realized the President was not the savior they thought and discovered they voted against their own self-interest. For me, there are still too many women who refuse to accept the President and his party are the horror show the rest of us know them to be. They still live in these bubbles. Men do not regard them as superior to other women because of their privilege, race or status. But these women believe they are superior because of their privilege, race or status. They have convinced themselves they are not a part of us. I have always believed the hierarchy by the people who run this country is white men, black men, white women, black women, and everybody else. If anyone believes, this is an exaggeration: we elected a black man! Twice! Then we tried to get a white woman! elected. And we could not fucking do it. I could convince no one misogyny was bigger than racism before this. Unfortunately, the women who voted for the President believe they are in their own genus.

          Women are socialized to become adversaries. That socialization is used against us as it was four years ago. We cannot allow it to happen again. You need not argue with anyone; you need not discuss your plans, you just need to vote. We need to undo what our sisters did to us and themselves. People keep telling me I am being melodramatic. These are the same people who did not believe me when I told them that moron would get elected. Women will never have a politician who will agree with everything, but they at the very least need a politician who sees them as a person and not just a pussy. Vote ladies. I do not give a shit who the Democratic nominee is, we cannot take another four years of the current administration. Do not let those women who betrayed us decide our fate again.

The Breastfeeding Dilemma

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     Boobs were not created for men.  They were not even created for women.  They were created to feed babies.  Even though mothers who breastfeed in public are using their boobs for their intended purpose, there are people who have a problem with this. All women should take issue with these people.

      The men and women who are disgusted by the sight of a mother feeding her baby in public are uncomfortable because breasts, to them, are for sexual gratification or to entice; their secondary purpose. This belief system derives from a section of our society using religion and morality to continue the premise that the female entity has the ability to seduce a man to lose his senses. So, when a female breast is spotted outside of the bedroom, no matter its function, they think of sex.  It is like the baby attached is invisible.

      A total stranger’s distorted feelings about the female breast cannot be a factor in how a woman chooses to feed her baby. If she wants to breastfeed from her breast, she should be allowed to do so without feeling she is committing some distasteful act. If people do not want to see a mother breastfeed her baby in public they should either stop staring at her tits or stay home! No mother should ever have to cover her self up, be embarrassed or feel shame because she is feeding her baby. And, to the people who will make the argument that a mother can bottle feed? On behalf of all women: Do you know how hard it is to pump and how long you have to pump, to get a bottle of breast milk?! Fuck you! If a baby is feeding, look away.

    We as a society should look at a mother breastfeeding her baby and behold the miracle in it. As adults, we should be able to recognize the difference between feeding a baby and a breast that is intended for sexual purposes.  If you are an adult and you are not able to make this distinction, you need to do some soul searching and figure out why boobies make your ass so uncomfortable.

A Daughter’s Virginity

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I would like men to stop protecting the virginity of their daughters.  Your daughter’s virginity should not be your focus.  Your focus should be:

  • Making sure your daughter believes in her self-worth, and her value as a human being.
  • Ensuring your daughter knows how to recognize someone who respects her and loves her.
  • Making sure she understands she needs to have her own money.  
  • Helping her realize young boys may not be on the same page she is when it comes to relationships and sex.
  • Making sure she understands sex is not just a physical act, but an emotional one.
  • Instilling in your daughter the importance of education. 
  • Making sure your daughter knows her own body, so if she has sex with herself or with another person she gets what she needs.

Nothing is guaranteed.  You can do all of this and your daughter could still have sex at an early age.  What I know is guaranteed, when you make your daughter believe the most valuable thing about her is her vagina, she starts to lead with that.  Focus on the developmental needs of your daughter and hopefully, she will make the decision on her own to handle her virginity accordingly.  How about this: How about you men start protecting the virginity of your sons?

The Me Too Movement

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     There are people who think the Me Too movement is unnecessary or that the movement has made its point. They are tired of listening to stories about sexual harassment, rape and molestation. And I say to all of them, shut the fuck up!

     As a society, we created an environment that led to these sexual crimes becoming our normal. We ignored people who talked openly about their molestations or rapes.  We pretended not to notice the sexualization of children and females.  We called sexual crime victims in the workplace, in the military and on college campuses liars.  We took no notice of Tarana Burke when she tried to bring awareness to these issues with the #metoo on Twitter in 2006.  We paid attention when Alyssa Milano used the same hashtag in 2017, but when women did not stop talking about the sexual violence committed against them, people reverted to their standard, ‘this could not be happening to this many women’.  The stories these women are telling, are not new.  This issue is dark, offensive and uncomfortable to discuss, but we have been discussing it for years.  The change was, the exposure social media gave to these women.  The opponents of the Me Too movement could no longer pretend this was not real, so now they want everyone to shut the hell up.

     They want the Me Too movement to go away?

  • Stop sexualizing children, that is where all of this begins.
  • Stop shaming young girls about their bodies and making them think their bodies do not belong to them.
  • Stop protecting the men (and women) molesting our children which helps to foster this silence culture that continues to adulthood.
  • Stand up for 1000s of young women on college campuses who are being raped at an alarming rate.
  • Understand the amount of women speaking of their sexual harassment or rape, is small compared to the amount of women who do not speak.
  • Understand the number of females being molested, harassed, and raped is not an exaggeration.
  • Accept that there are a lot of men (not all) who participate in the molestation, harassment and rape of females.
  • Realize the few women who lie about sexual harassment or rape does not mean 1000s of women are lying.
  • Stop pretending you do not understand there are men who use their masculinity as a weapon
  • Stop pretending you do not understand we live in a society that encourages the molestation, harassment and rape of children and women.

     If you are not prepared to do any of the above, you can not criticize the Me Too movement; you are helping to create it.

 

The theory and practice of feminism

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I still call myself a feminist even though feminism is something dirty and unnecessary to many people. The movement, its members, its mission and its definition have been stolen, seduced, twisted, and hijacked. Feminism is not complicated: give women the same opportunities, respect and value you give to men.  That’s it. It is not about hating men or making men subservient to women. It is also not about lesbians, world domination or choosing a woman’s life path for her. Men and women who want to maintain their misogynistic lifestyle, developed those concepts of feminism.

In theory, I am a feminist.  In practice, I am not so sure. Since the start of the feminist movement, the issues or concerns from women of color were not a part of the mission. Most do not believe this has improved as women of color are not the face portrayed of feminism. And it is not only women of color. Many marginalized women have this feeling of neglect from the movement. If all women are not a part of the objectives of feminism, are not the neglected women fighting someone else’s war?

We do not have the luxury anymore of privilege, ignorance, racism, ego or selfishness. Those in charge or the face of the feminist movement need to decide what is important. Although some of us hope a change is coming in the next two years, in case it doesn’t, we have to be prepared to practice our theory together.

What does a monster look like?

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     What does a monster look like? He is young. He is old. He is tall. He is short. He is famous. He is unknown. He is wealthy. He is middle class. He is poor. He has a wife. He has a girlfriend. He has children. He has a mother, father, brothers, and sisters. He has no family. He is good looking. He is plain looking. He worships a God. He doesn’t believe in a God. He is employed. He does not work. He is in authority. He rules over no one. He has friends. He is a loner. He is a college student. He is a high school student. He has a bachelors degree, a masters degree, a Ph.D. He left high school in the 10th grade. He is a man no one believes would do that. He is a man everyone knows does that. Sometimes he is a she.

     A monster looks like anyone; can be anyone. A monster is not just a person whose appearance scares you. It is also a person you believe in, have faith in and trust until their true face is revealed. Not every man is a monster and not every monster is a man. As a society, our judgment about what constitutes a monster needs to extend beyond class, race, income, gender, and appearance. R. Kelly. Harvey Weinstein. Bill Cosby. Roman Polanski. Trump. Chris Watts. Pete Trifunovski. Rashan Lamar Wilson. Fernando Guzman Perez. We need to understand what people are capable of doing to another human being. We need to accept, some people lack compassion or empathy and have no humanity. When someone comes forward to tell their story, we need to ask what does a monster look like?

My beliefs about the female Trump supporter

As a woman of color and a feminist, the past two years have been challenging.  For me, any definition of feminism includes all women, no matter their wealth, religion, race or circumstance.  This concept has been a struggle to maintain because so many women in this country have been participating in the destruction of ‘the woman.’  Before the 2016 presidential election, there were numerous problems between women that hindered our collectivity: the doubt in our power as a collective because of the systematic socialization to make women believe they are always in competition with each other, the failure by many white women to understand and incorporate the issues of women of color into their idea of feminism, women participating in the fallacy that speaking the truth about equality and the sexual culture in this country equates to lesbianism and hate of the family, are a few.  But for women to partake in the travesty that is this presidency, they allowed themselves to be used to divide women further and betray their own needs.

I heard all the explanations about the anger and disillusionment some women felt about politicians and their belief that Trump was the candidate that cared about their needs.  That is not the reality of the situation; those are pretexts.  There is no rational reason a woman would vote for a man, who himself, presented evidence of his longstanding misogynistic ideology and callous mindset towards women.  Let’s settle this once and for all: the words and behaviors he has exhibited over the last 30 or 40 years towards women are not just about sexual harassment; it is about what those words and behaviors mean for women in his presence and whether he views a woman as a person.  Stop telling us, “He didn’t actually grab a pussy so what’s the problem?”  The problem is someone whose view of women is that distorted will never have a woman’s interests, needs, or wants as a part of his agenda.  Regardless of what he says, Trump sees women as less than and will treat them as such.  So when a grown woman attempts to defend the misogynistic belief system of a man and continues to excuse his misogynistic beliefs and behaviors, that is powerful – which means there is something powerful behind it.

From the beginning of the campaign, I made it clear how I felt about women who supported Trump.  I do not believe these women are naive.  I do not believe they are delusional.  I believe white women exhumed their true inclinations of racism and/or self-hatred as they now had a potential leader who felt the same.  These women have friends and family who want to believe they are just misguided and do not really believe in this man.  They are incorrect.   You can not support a racist and claim not to be a racist.   The views and perspectives of a racist are filtered through their racism.  If you support a person like that it means your views are filtered the same way.  The women who voted for him knew his knowledge was insufficient for this job,  he did not have a plan for any of his ‘ideas’ and he said awful things about women, minorities and the disabled with no apologies.  His female supporters will never make me believe they thought he was capable of doing this job.  But White women did like the racist statements he was making about making their country white again…I mean great again.  Their desire to have a whiter world created a worldview based in lies, misrepresentations, and exaggerations.  They used that view to justify their racist behavior and lie to the people closest to them.  Their belief system is askew, not their belief in him.

When I made these statements a year ago I did not understand that for many White people, believing in this reality is difficult and hard to comprehend.  When we think of racists, we do not automatically think women….we think men.  Women can be racists too.  But when you live in a bubble it is hard to believe a bleaker, uglier world exists.  I lost count how many times I saw White women write and talk about how they did not know.  They did not know there were so many racist men hiding their true feelings.  They did not know there were so many men who were hiding what they truly believed about women.  They did not know there were women who would vote for a man who openly degrades women.  White women were living a life that allowed them to be oblivious and unconscious to the abhorrent things happening in this country.   When videos of cops harassing and/or shooting unarmed people of color was all over social media, many White people understood we weren’t making it up; before the videos, those same White people believed Black people were embellishing.  The white bubble burst when the female racist was revealed and White women saw female Trump supporters were prepared to betray all women and themselves.  When the election ended and White women realized a Black man could get elected in this country twice and people would not even consider electing a White woman, they understood they were not being told the whole truth.

There were also women of color who supported and voted for Trump.  As with White women, I do not believe these women are delusional or naive.  I also do not believe they are racist; I believe women of color who voted for Trump have a lot of self-hatred.  Again, there is no rational reason a woman of color would choose to elect a racist misogynist.  Trump made it very clear how he felt about women and people of color during his campaign.  In order for these women to decide they should vote for him, they had to disregard their womanhood and disregard that they are a person of color.  You can not ignore either of those things when the platform of the man you support is based on destroying your womanhood and people of color.  I am not sure how all people of color treated their Trump supporters, but unlike many White supporters of Trump, I know many Black supporters were shunned and trashed by their people.  When Omarosa Manigault tried to make connections with Black people after the election, she was booed wherever she went and she claimed her family would not even talk to her.  Chrisette Michelle, who sang at the inauguration ball, had so many people come for her on social media she had a nervous breakdown.  And Tina Oliver, a highly regarded gospel singer, was harassed incessantly online and lost ratings for her very popular reality show after trying to explain why she voted for Trump.  This is a democratic society.  Everyone is allowed to vote for whomever they choose and believe whatever they want.  But when some Black women chose to support the candidate whose goal was to suppress their existence, the rest of us had a hard time accepting this, as he was trying to suppress our existence as well.  In voting for that man, Black female Trump supporters renounced parts of who they are and they do not have the luxury of a bubble.  And although some people may accept a Black woman’s abdication of being a woman, most Black people can not accept their abdication of being Black.  I would guess the same is true for most people of color.

Everything we have seen over the last two and a half years has happened because of what these women did.  The tweeting, the wall, Puerto Rico, Charlottesville, the protest of the Black men being killed in the streets by cops, birth control mandates being rolled back, no reform to the ACA, an entire government cabinet being gutted in the first seven months, Russia hacking the election, passing that awful tax plan, DACA, and so many others.  They had the power to stop all this and instead they let their racism, privilege, and self-hatred turn our country into a place of fear for many of its citizens.   If there was a more competent person in office, every single one of those things may have been handled differently or not occurred at all.   I know we did not have a lot of good choices, but I can not understand voting against your own self-interests.  These women allowed a man-child to take over our highest office and make a mockery of it.  His female supporters do not understand what their misguided beliefs and decisions gave power to in this country.  They do not understand their racism contributes to sexism.  When these women chose racism and their self-hate over their own self-interests, men understood the issues of women could be sliced apart and put on a shelf or thrown away altogether. They knew they didn’t have to worry about women becoming a cohesive mob to stand against them.

This presidency created a fracture between women that is worse than it was two years ago and it was a big fracture back then.  If we want to close some of the gaps we let them create between us, women need to accept some difficult truths about themselves and their reality.  First, all female Trump supporters need to admit what they have done, accept responsibility and really evaluate why they would vote for someone who hates them (in other words, admit their racism and/or self-hatred). Until these women can explain to themselves why they would allow a part of their identity and being to be devalued in the conversations about the world they live in, we can not come together and have any meaningful dialogue about our beliefs and principles. 

Second, some White women are going to have to decide whether they want to keep pretending their circle is not tainted.  I watched after the election as some people ended friendships and disowned family over Trump.  But there were many who chose to agree to disagree.  Be clear: anyone who supports Trump is against women.  They will try to trick you with ‘politics is not family’ or ‘my beliefs don’t pertain to you’.  They are lying.  They support a man who doesn’t believe in a woman’s fundamental rights as a human being. How do you agree to disagree about that?  Attending rallies and marches is great, but those are usually attended by like-minded people.  Being uncomfortable and making others around you accountable is what is necessary if we want change.  The racists that marched in Charlottesville didn’t back down because Black people showed up, they backed down because people who looked like them showed up and said ‘we will not accept this bullshit’.   The fight against the intolerant will not be won with passivity, fear, one-sided compromise or without adversarial interactions.  The intolerant must not be allowed to keep perpetuating the myth that they want inclusiveness.  When you live in a society where a group of people are pretending to want democracy, justice, and fairness, there can truly be no democracy, justice, and fairness. 

Finally, all women will need to come to terms with what being a woman means when you live in the United States.   There are places in this world where women experience horrors most of us couldn’t dream in our darkest nightmares, but we have issues and problems in this country that are real regardless of the perspective they are imagined: many men do not see women as equals, many men view women as merely body parts, and in some instances men do not see women as human beings.  This narrative of women has existed for as long as women and men have been around.  And although there have been some positive changes in this country in the almost 200 years since White women started fighting for their right to vote, they are not enough to warrant any woman allowing themselves to be used as pawns in this farce of a presidency.  This lack of perspective on the part of female Trump supporters is part of the reason they can lie to themselves, their families, their friends and allow themselves to be lied to.   We no longer live in a country where we can pretend we don’t see what we see; where we can pretend the misogyny is not real.  Until we can all admit the truth, men like Trump and his friends will continue to splinter our gender and cause us to question our collective power.  

 

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